—And she drinks toilet water with more integrity, too.
Let’s talk about emotional safety.
My ex once said I was “too reactive.”
Meanwhile, my dog has seen me ugly-cry in mismatched socks while eating shredded cheese out of the bag—and her only response was to scoot closer.
She doesn’t:
- Weaponize silence
- Project her issues onto me
- Say “let’s talk” then disappear for three days like she got kidnapped by emotional maturity
She just exists—a furry therapist with zero degrees and all the damn credentials.
My ex once told me I needed to “chill.”
My dog thinks my breakdowns are an invitation to spoon.
When I dissociate mid-sentence, my ex would say,
“Wow, you just, like… shut down.”
My dog?
Literally lies across my chest like a weighted blanket sponsored by divine timing.
My ex’s form of conflict resolution?
Stonewalling and pretending to be asleep.
My dog?
Will sit directly on my bladder if she thinks I’m too upset to move. Now that’s engagement.
He needed me to apologize for my anxiety.
She needs me to open the fridge.
Let’s be real:
- He couldn’t handle “Where is this going?”
- She’d follow me into a forest fire if I accidentally said “walk”
And when I told my ex I was in therapy?
He said “Oh… okay. That’s cool.”
When I told my dog?
She literally licked my face and farted with pride.
So yeah.
I upgraded.
From love that needed me smaller
To a creature who thinks I’m perfect-sized, even when bloated and sobbing.
From someone who thought empathy was an inconvenience
To a four-legged angel who thinks my trauma smells like home.
He called me “too intense.”
She thinks I’m just the right flavor of extra.
And if you ask me who loved me better?
Let’s just say:
One of them ran when sh*t got real.
The other one stayed—
And peed a little in solidarity.
My Dog Is More Emotionally Intelligent Than My Ex
She reads my tone, then brings a shoe.
He read my soul—then blamed it too.
She listens close and guards my heart,
He dipped out when I fell apart.
One wags, one whines, one left me wrecked.
Guess who gets the cuddle check?
Let’s just say: dog wins the test,
And pees on lies, unlike the rest.
—The Funny Phoenix, awarding gold stars to golden retrievers
