18. 👁 When God Looked Like My Abuser

And I wasn’t allowed to question either of them.

He yelled.
God thundered.
He punished.
God judged.
He demanded obedience.
God called it reverence.

No wonder I couldn’t separate the two.
When trauma wears a robe
and raises a hand,
you learn to bow your head—
not out of worship,
but out of survival.

😶 When Reverence and Fear Feel the Same

They told me to honor my father.
Even when he hurt me.
Even when his love came with fists,
with silence,
with scripture twisted into threats.

They told me to fear God.
And I did.
Not because I felt awe—
but because I had already learned
what it meant to love someone
who could destroy you.

🧠 Psychological Insight:

• For many trauma survivors, God takes on the face of the first person who held power over them—even if that face was cruel.
  
• Fear-based theology replicates the trauma cycle: obey, appease, avoid punishment.
  
• “Honor thy father” can become a silencing tool when the father was abusive—linking spiritual obedience with emotional erasure.
  
• Spiritual abuse is often misdiagnosed as devotion.
  

🩸 What It Cost to Believe

I wasn’t taught to love God.
I was taught to not disappoint Him.

I didn’t learn connection.
I learned compliance.
I memorized scriptures as self-defense.
I prayed like I was pleading for my life—
not like I was speaking to someone who loved me.

The church called it “discipline.”
My body called it trauma.

🧨 When Faith Echoes the Abuse

This is for:

• The ones who flinch during sermons but can’t explain why
  
• The ones whose God feels more like a threat than a refuge
  
• The ones who were told to stay silent “out of respect”
  
• The ones who confuse “love” with walking on eggshells
  
• The ones still trying to unlearn fear as a spiritual posture
  

💬 Final Reflection:

I didn’t reject God.
I rejected the version of Him
that looked too much like the man
who taught me love was earned through pain.

I’m not faithless.
I’m faith-traumatized.
And I’m still trying to untangle
what was holy
from what was just abuse dressed in scripture.

💔 Closing Hook:

What if I never feared God?
What if fear was the lie they handed me
to protect their power
and preserve their silence?

Because the real God—
if He exists—
wouldn’t look like the one who broke me.
He’d look like the one who stayed.