Every narcissist is a teacher. Mine taught me how to monetize closure.
There’s a deep, soul-cleansing joy — like spiritual exfoliation with a petty twist — that comes from hitting “Block” on someone who once gaslit you into apologizing for having emotions while they set your life on fire with a smile and a Scripture quote.
His name wasn’t Ned. But we’ll call him that.
NED: Narcissist Every Day.
Ned was the kind of guy who’d:
- Steal your lighter,
- Ignite your dignity,
- Then say, “You really need to work on your reactions.”
And I did.
I worked on them so hard, I built an entire website.
Then I made merch.
Then I built a lifestyle.
One day, after round 437 of “You’re just too sensitive” (translation: “I hate that you noticed I’m awful”), I hit the nuclear button:
- Blocked on Facebook
- Ghosted on Gmail
- Vanished from Venmo
- Spiritually exorcised from my calendar
- And if I could’ve blocked him on oxygen, I would’ve tried
Then I printed this masterpiece on hoodies, mugs, tote bags, stickers, forehead tattoos, and emotional support goats:
BLOCKED BY NED™
Now available in ash gray, heartbreak red, and blackout navy.
Because here’s the sacred trinity that makes narcissists sweat through their scented affirmations:
- Boundaries
- Receipts
- Branded healing
Ned saw it once. At a gas station. On someone else.
I know this because he created a burner email just to say,“You’ve really gone off the deep end.”
So I replied.
With a promo code: BYENED10.
And that, my friends, is how you transform manipulation into merchandise.
Now, I wear my BLOCKED BY NED™ hoodie like armor. Not because I’m cold. But because healing is war — and I came dressed for the rematch.
Laugh if you want. Cry if you need. But either way?
Mic dropped. Boundary set. Coupon applied.
Let’s f*cking begin.
BLOCKED BY NED™: My Favorite Achievement
He tried to slither through my screen, But I went ghost—felt squeaky clean.
No more texts, no trauma ping, I blocked that man and bought a ring.
Not for love, but for defense— A middle finger, consequence.
He lost access, I found flair, Now I sell mugs with his blank stare.
—The Funny Phoenix, roasting red flags for breakfast
